Sunday, February 1, 2004

Coming home

Hi! Happy New Year to you all!

My last diary was about the engulfing depression that threatened to truly break my will. It was also about my plan to thwart this enemy! Well! You know what they say about the best laid plans etc!

I'm now content about my Mum and the memories of her and also the admission that I have MS. But what I didn't realise was that making 90mph plans to change my life in the way I eat, live and think was a road to disaster!

A beautiful and very wise friend, rich in gentle persuasion and strength, told me, "When I'm depressed I often think, "if only I did xyz, that would make everything better", but xyz often turns out to be a confused, simplistic plan, born of a mind that is not very well at the time the plan was conceived". How right she was!

I've felt ill and even more depressed because I couldn't live up to my expectations - couldn't wait until I felt more stable; too impatient to think things through properly! Experiencing this sense of utter despair brought me to my senses and I had a very painful and honest talk with Arf about our relationship.

By my own admission, I'm obstinate, stubborn, impatient, sulky and yet somewhere in me is a person full of love for others and a desire to make our lives a pleasure once more. I just had to find her!

And do you know what? Slowly, day by day, Sandie Bailes is coming home!

My GP has changed my medication to Prozac - I've yet to see what happens as I haven't been taking the tablets for very long and I'll either be quite ill or begin to see a twinkle of light (I prefer to think it will be the latter!).

There'll be no more on this subject as you're probably yawning your heads off by now. I've written it down so you can see that whatever mood overtakes you, at some time in the future, peace and some kind of normality will begin to lift your spirits.

There is no specific answer to these 'low' points but we learn from each one and if you have a beautiful and wise lady in your life, keep her safely locked in your heart! I'll be forever grateful to her!

God bless and give you some sunshine to warm your face!