Hello, my Angels!
Well! What do I say?!
I am in the middle of the darkest place I've ever been and it's like the top of a bottle of soda has flown off and let all my hidden demons out at once. I will be brutally honest because that's the only way I know how to write - to pretend would not help me nor anyone out there suffering a similar trauma. I have no idea what triggered this off - one morning I woke with what felt like a headache over my whole body and I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up again. My self-worth was nil. I felt useless and I saw no future for me and Arf - except my making him more unhappy. I was in tears and tried to get to the painkillers (of which I have many different ones collected over the months!). Arf grabbed hold of me but I already had a load of pills in my dressing gown pockets. He couldn't control me.
I was lashing out at him and crying out for him to let me die. So he called for our neighbour and she told him to call the emergency services. I don't remember in detail much of what happened next but the police and an ambulance as well as my doctor arrived and all I felt was that they were invading my space and I screamed at them to go away. Eventually, I calmed down enough so everyone could go away except my doctor. She phoned an Access Group (professionals who deal with troubled souls and come to your home). 'Paul' arrived and said that he couldn't stop me ending my life when he'd gone but he could have me 'sectioned' (detained under the Mental Health Act) if he thought it necessary.
Now that really scared me and I went very quiet. Arf put me to bed and my doctor made sure he was OK - after all, he had just witnessed his wife wanting to leave him as such. Paul came round the next morning and talked to me. I trusted him. He gave me some leaflets from groups who were Christians like myself and had councillors who only took a nominal fee. I went to see one of these amazing people and after an initial chat she suggested I come to see her each week and talk about all my guilt and hidden anger. Her eyes were so blue and I felt she could see into my heart. I am still very fragile but I now have a life-line.
Think about it, folks!
All these people wanted to help ME - no-one else, just ME. I have to let them do this to get well again and to start to like or even love myself before I can move forward and deal with my MS. If you have found this upsetting, I am so sorry. The GOOD thing is that I am still here and I think I will be able to let down the barriers slowly. No-one wants others to see themselves crying and out of control, which is why it is so important to talk to someone if you need that comfort and reassurance.
Writing my diary is like a little miracle because I know some of you will identify with it and this lights a candle inside me! Now! I shall be back to waffle on again next month and bore the pants off you all, as usual!
